weirdest wedding ever

Since we're kinda on the topic of weddings, & it seems to be the recurring theme of my life these days, let's discuss last weekend's fiasco in navy and silk flowers. It contained, by far, the most bizarre ceremony I have ever seen in a wedding, but we'll get to that in a few.

First, the timing. The ceremony was scheduled to begin at 2 and the reception at 6. All of our fear going in was that we were going to be trapped in the church for almost four hours, trying to stay awake, avoiding direct eye-contact with the man on the cross, and restraining my man from any outbursts. (Sidebar: his family stopped going to church when, at around age 5, in the middle of a mass, my boy gasped loudly & cried out, "This is so boring!" I bet him a nickel if he'd do it again. That nickel's, sadly, still in my purse.) So, with fear & trepidation in our hearts, the man, his parents & I decided we needed to broach the subject at the rehearsal dinner. The bride & groom assured us that, no, we wouldn't be stuck in mass all day, but not with much assurance, "Well, it is a high mass, so it'll be an hour or an hour & 1/2."

It ended up being closer to an hour & 1/2, but there was too much standing up & sitting down for me to actually fall asleep. I kept joking that with all the standing up & sitting down, I couldn't wait for the fight, fight, fight. One of his cousins said, "Oh, just wait for the reception. There's bound to be some fighting there." No one but the man got the joke. My god, people! Don't you know a basic cheer?

The biggest topic of the 2 & 1/2 hour break between the wedding & reception had to be the Nazi salute the priest asked the group to give the happy couple.

I shit you not.

Near the end of the wedding, after the typically snoozetastic Bible readings, songs, candle-lightings & communion, the priest asked us all to stand again. But this time, he threw us a play-along curveball. "Everyone please raise one hand in the direction of the happy couple, to symbolize laying on hands while we bless them in prayer." Needless to say, everyone followed the priest's lead & raised his or her right hand to the right side of the stage, where the doomed duo were seated. Everyone but me & the man. Hell, I even saw his parents doing it.

Now, does everyone have that mental image? Right hands raised up in the air, slightly to the right? The look on the groom's face, as we would all hope, was pure terror. I mean, the man was extremely uncomfortable seeing all his & his new wife's friends & family giving them "the ol' Sieg Heil." Afterward, he tried to describe it from his perspective, but felt he couldn't do the creepiness justice. Heil to that, bro.

Now I ask you, friends, have you ever seen such a display at a wedding, Catholic or otherwise? 'Cause one of the other guests said at the reception that he'd seen that at several weddings. Is it an upstate thing? Is it a Super-Sized Eastern European thing? Also, do the bride & groom usually sit through Catholic weddings, or are upstaters just extra lazy, 'cause I buy the latter reason completely.

(Sidebar: We had to come home when we did before I caught the fat & bitters. You couldn't swing a roasted turkey leg in Rochester without hitting a 300+ lb. woman in her gaping mouth. Seriously, they were all enormous & unhappy & kinda terrifying, looking at me like I was crazy 'cause I didn't have any Xs on my clothing labels. Of course, every story we heard involved several pitchers of beer & hours of angry drunk driving -- not a damn thing about sobriety, happiness or particularly hard workouts.)