live-blogging the oprah show

(to find out why the hell i would do such a thing, see the previous post.)

4:00: the opening music is angelic, almost a hymn
4:02: photographic slideshow summarizing the book ends, oprah tells gilbert "this is bigger than when bono visited"
4:04: oprah, "who has not met the tiles (on her bathroom floor)?!"
4:08: is it just me, or does the luggage under oprah's eyeballs actually say louis vuitton?
p.s. i love that the op keeps repeating everything liz gilbert says & then turns & yells it at the audience
4:09 oprah interrupts her mid-sentence to send us to break

{fantastic commercial break, by the way; apparently viewers are teen smokers who watch the news}

4:12: oprah proclaims, "eating!! yes!" then mentions the fact that she, "oh, has a tv show"
4:13: liz gilbert imitates charlton heston as god & i cried a little bit
4:14: oprah goes to quote the book & we see there are post-its flagging pages with highlighted paragraghs & notes in the margins -- blech
4:16: oprah coins the term "snot-sobbing" & gilbert calls it, "double-dipping" then says, "word salad," which i loved
4:18: oprah, "i love you 'cause you wanted to EAT!"
4:19: oprah can't fathom "the freedom to gain 24 pounds"
4:21: oprah declares she wants to go to naples & eat the pizza (or the pizza guy, if she's that hungry, i guess)

{commercial break: damn hasbro for their incessant media buys}

4:23: oprah's friends sound boring as hell -- they go to her house to all read a book out loud? my god, ladies, do something, rather than read about it
4:24: oprah doesn't seem to get the actual reason to go to an ashram, or, for that matter, the point of gilbert's journey
4:26: oprah's already making me sick

{commercial break: the chico's woman has really shitty taste, also, there's no "at chico's" -- i hate that copywriter's crutch}

4:31: one of the characters from the book, richard from texas, comes up on stage
4:33: oprah asks richard a string of stupid questions -- too many to count
4:34: oprah obviously don't get transcendental meditation
4:36: i hate oprah's laugh, but then again, she'd probably hate mine

promo interstitial for monday's show: "i talk to someone whose wealth approaches mine" -- jerry seinfeld's wife apparently holds the secret to life

{commercial break: dumb crap, like empire today}

4:39: oprah quotes "wizard of oz"
4:40: (when the medicine man didn't recognize gilbert) oprah, "why didn't you just go home?"
4:42: oprah, "and then you found love!" 'cause, really, that's what a spiritual journey's about....
4:42: oprah should NEVER read books out loud, especially when it's erotic or romantic, 'cause she puts on a really weird voice & sounds like a constipated ostrich
4:43: oprah puts up a picture of gilbert & her lover & then swoons when gilbert says, "that's my new husband on our wedding day"

{commercial break: tyler perry meets "today's soft music"}

4:47: oprah, "god bless the men in here who've read it"
4:47: oprah seems shocked that you just need to shift your view of life to do kinda what she did
4:48: the liz gilbert "do it yourself" steps to enlightenment
1) ask yourself in your morning journal, "what do i really, really, really want?"
2) write down your happiest moment of the day in a journal [oprah inserts her own gratitude journal here]
3) change your mantra -- quit beating yourself up or dragging yourself down
4:51: OMG ponies! oprah's gonna announce her next book club book after the break

{commercial break: do they really think oprah viewers are so fat they need the lap-band system? also, raymour & flanigan's furniture looks so much better on tv than it does in real life, but it's on sale right now!!}

4:53: it's announcement time (while she continues to lick gilbert's ass)
4:54: oprah, "if you love love, it's 'love in the time of cholera'" as she shits herself over the 50-year love story: 50 YEARS! now she's ruined gabriel garcia marquez for me

"brought to you by" interstitial for dove, which is a great partnership

{commercial break: ok, here's why her viewers' need the lap-band system, a commercial for friendship sour cream endorses eating it straight out of the container -- i can;t think of much grosser}

4:57: go to oprah.com, bitches & tell me all about your love story, 'cause it's time for "love in the time of cholera"

thank god it's over!


number of times oprah licked liz gilbert's asshole in one hour: 43

number of retarded questions lobbed gilbert's way: 38


Now, I ask you, people, why -- WHY?? -- is Oprah so goddamn popular??