Ladies and gentlemen, it's that time again. Summer is here, and the temperatures are scorching. So, of course, we do what comes naturally to make ourselves more comfortable. We take our clothes off. Or, at least, we take pieces of clothing away.
For some people, it's all well and good. They're not dumping muffin tops over their pants and skirts, pale jiggliness isn't offending the eyeballs of everyone around them, and the thong factor is usually not top of mind for them. The rest of us are a sore sight, though.
That's why I'd like to invite you all to join me in the inaugural Steel UPA Challenge. What's an UPA, you might say? Well, it's the same thing as a gunt or a gock, but we here at the fleshwound refer to it lovingly as the upper pussy (or penis) area. When this area is big and flabby, we refer to it as a FUPA, or fat upper pussy/penis area.
It's a great thing to love and be comfortable in our bodies, but when we combine low-cut jeans with FUPAs, horrible things happen. I've seen pictures of myself violating this principle, and I'm constantly assaulted by this sad, sad sight on the subways, in the parks, and on the streets of New York City everyday.
So I ask you all, my friends, to take this pledge today. Stand up, wherever you are, and repeat these solmen words with pride, dear readers.
I (insert name here) do solemnly swear to firm that shit up and/or keep that shit covered during these warm summer months. I promise to wear clothes that fit me, including shirts that cover my boobies and can tuck into my pants, shorts, and/or skirts. I promise to not purposely wear cute thongs to try to cover up the fact that I'm sporting pants and/or skirts meant for children and/or hanging at half-mast. I swear that I will smack the uncovered fat of friends, loved ones and strangers on trains to bring this heinousness to their attention as well, out of the love of my heart. Amen.
Now, friends, let's get our asses to the gym & get that shit all firmed up. Who's coming with me?!
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4 comments:
A-freaking-men. You should need a license to wear those low cut monstrosities.
I would also like to take this opportunity to BEG someone, somewhere to make some high freaking waisted pants! With a side zipper and no pockets! Is that too much to ask?!?!?
You're in luck, kitten. High-waisted pants are all the rage this season. Maybe we'll be saved from taint-riders soon after all.
Sorry honey, I can't get on that (G) train. As a general rule I always leave my boobies uncovered and that's the way I like it.
Oh, it's not the boobies I fear, baby -- it's the back bacon & UPAs hangin' outta girls' pants. Yikes, people, yikes.
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