take the steel upa challenge!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's that time again. Summer is here, and the temperatures are scorching. So, of course, we do what comes naturally to make ourselves more comfortable. We take our clothes off. Or, at least, we take pieces of clothing away.

For some people, it's all well and good. They're not dumping muffin tops over their pants and skirts, pale jiggliness isn't offending the eyeballs of everyone around them, and the thong factor is usually not top of mind for them. The rest of us are a sore sight, though.

That's why I'd like to invite you all to join me in the inaugural Steel UPA Challenge. What's an UPA, you might say? Well, it's the same thing as a gunt or a gock, but we here at the fleshwound refer to it lovingly as the upper pussy (or penis) area. When this area is big and flabby, we refer to it as a FUPA, or fat upper pussy/penis area.

It's a great thing to love and be comfortable in our bodies, but when we combine low-cut jeans with FUPAs, horrible things happen. I've seen pictures of myself violating this principle, and I'm constantly assaulted by this sad, sad sight on the subways, in the parks, and on the streets of New York City everyday.

So I ask you all, my friends, to take this pledge today. Stand up, wherever you are, and repeat these solmen words with pride, dear readers.

I (insert name here) do solemnly swear to firm that shit up and/or keep that shit covered during these warm summer months. I promise to wear clothes that fit me, including shirts that cover my boobies and can tuck into my pants, shorts, and/or skirts. I promise to not purposely wear cute thongs to try to cover up the fact that I'm sporting pants and/or skirts meant for children and/or hanging at half-mast. I swear that I will smack the uncovered fat of friends, loved ones and strangers on trains to bring this heinousness to their attention as well, out of the love of my heart. Amen.

Now, friends, let's get our asses to the gym & get that shit all firmed up. Who's coming with me?!

it's derby time, bitches

Friday night, the man & I braved the trip to the Upper East Side to watch the ladies of the Bronx Gridlock take on the 2006 champs, Queens of Pain, at Hunter College. If you haven't got a clue what I'm talking about, and you're sensitive to cussing or thoughts of massive pain, look away, or simply go to another blog altogether. It ain't gonna be pretty. You see, those are two of the teams representing the five boroughs in the beautiful & deadly Gotham Girls Roller Derby.



Holy crap, was it a great time -- and for $20 a ticket, it was a cheap night of entertainment in Manhattan. The Gridlock & Queens were neck & neck for the entire bout. Elbows & hips became the most formidable weapons, fishnets were de rigueur & the sweet sounds of hundreds of "fuck yous" rang out from all over the gym -- directed at refs, skaters, cheerleaders & mascots -- anyone, really. There was even a kick-ass halftime show, featuring Brooklyn Double Dutch, five chicks who can jump 2-3 ropes at a time, with insane amounts of cool & rhythm. The double dutch show was followed by a little representin' by the cheerleaders for all 4 Gotham Girls' teams. Not quite as rhythmic, but a lesbitronic/boy's wet dream nonetheless. In the end, the Gridlock skated like demons & truly earned the win -- 118 to 107. It was a beautiful thing.



If you've never been to the derby, here are a few things you should keep in mind:

-don't start shit with any of the other fans -- they may skate for another derby league & they can most definitely kick your soft pansy ass
-you'd better cheer like hell, no matter what team you choose to back
-to keep from shredding your voice, stomp as you cheer (particularly loud & obnoxious on wooden risers)
-dress for high temperatures -- it tends to get boiling hot in bootleg basement gyms & you'll be jumping up & down & stomping a lot

Y'all join us for the next bout this Saturday, June 16th. Get your tickets now, though. Those bitches sell out just about every time.